Midnight in the Valley of Spam

Steve Almond

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Dear Sir, my name is  ________ ________. I am the Prince of a faraway land, though I live now in the kingdom of Disgrace. A Great Treasure has been taken from me. Stolen. Looted, sir. For this reason I now request your assistance in its recovery. Shall you consent? In exchange for such small kindness you shall receive 7.3 millions of dollars through electronic wire transfusions. There is no loss that cannot be erased by the trust of a stranger. 

Something more, dear sir. A more intimate matter. Would you like a Larger Penis? This I can provide also, owing to certain potions and devices over which I have copyright dominion. Would a Larger Penis size grant you the feeling which is perhaps the treasure you have been missing? Greater girth, extra inches. A woman and her mouth and the noises of her mouth. And you as the cause, this special part of you.

Would you like to meet me, sir? My breath smells of apples and my neck of fine lotion and despite being the Prince of a faraway land I am single and hot and horny and I wish to speak to you in the absence of underpants. Some terrible arrangement has left me here, marooned on the shores of bad intention, and you are as the captain of a ship gliding beneath a veil of stars. Your thick hair, your robust heart, the drugs which make your blood confident, the person no one else sees properly.

We are both in need of rescue, sir. We are sharing Wishes. There is nobody else watching us, nobody who matters. You peer into my dreams as I peer into yours. Why else are we here? Why else are you reading these words?

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Steve Almond is the author of a dozen books, including the New York Times Bestsellers Candyfreak and Against Football. He’s the recipient of an NEA grant for 2022 and teaches at Harvard and Wesleyan. His work has been published in Best American Short Stories, Best American Mysteries, Best American Erotica, and New York Times Magazine. His first novel, Which Brings Me to You was just made into a major motion picture starring Lucy Hale. His second novel, All the Secrets of the World, is under development by 20th Century Fox. His new book, Truth Is the Arrow, Mercy Is the Bow is about craft, the struggle to write, and where stories come from.

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