Emails I Can’t Send
McNeese’s Undergraduate Fiction Workshop, Fall 2024
__________
TO: ███████
FROM: ███████
SUBJECT: Your Ignorance
Dear Inadequate Coworker,
I hope this email finds you well so that your day can be ruined. I just wanted to make you aware that your recent actions are unnecessary and unprofessional. Apparently, our boss was not functioning mentally during the process of hiring you. It is not fair that all of the employees at this workplace should suffer due to your inability to properly do your job. I believe it should be brought to your attention that you are the bane of my existence and the source of my dread when I wake up in the morning. It is my hope for you that you find your tires gaping with holes and discover sugar in your car’s gas tank. It was decided that you are no longer welcome on this premises due to the smoothness of your brain and lack of any sense, common or learned. May you perpetually have a gnat in your ear and a scratch on your back that you are unable to reach due to your physical limitations.
May you develop brain cells,
– ███████
TO: ███████
FROM: ███████
SUBJECT: Reading Recommendation
Hello ███████ ,
I am just following up with you concerning the mandatory meeting this morning! You made some really good points, and I love how you provided donuts for us at this 7 AM meeting. I did, however, have an issue with you yelling at me and throwing a temper tantrum in front of the entire company for a spelling error that I made, but, nevertheless, overall, it was a great meeting!
Anyways, I had a book that I read some years ago that helped with this problem that you are facing! It’s called My Mouth is a Volcano by Julia Cook. It’s a children’s book about a boy named Louis who “erupts” a lot. He has a lot of things to say when he erupts. It’s recommended for ages four to seven, but it’s never too late to catch up! Please let me know how the reading goes! I can’t wait to hear about it!
Worst wishes,
– ███████
TO: ███████
FROM: ███████
SUBJECT: Friendship Bracelets
To whom it’s about to concern:
Unfortunately, I feel so dumb!
What I thought would be a fun summer turned into a summer of unimaginable exhaustion. What I thought would be hard work that paid off was anything but.
And now I feel so dumb!
But you knew I was dumb. I was dumb when I accepted the job offer during my interview unaware of how desperate you were. And you were smart for knowing how to braid poisonous words together into a little friendship bracelet, a promise.
It was ugly, by the way!
Lukewarm regards,
– ███████
TO: ███████
FROM: ███████
SUBJECT: Still Can’t Work Mornings
Dear ███████ ,
I’m sick of your constant whining about how I do my job, and even when I tell you I’m running to the bathroom, you whine. It’s immature and you don’t try to accept that I am human and need to just the bathroom once or twice during a 5-6 hour shift. I’ll just not drink any liquid and stay dehydrated. It’s just ridiculous, and during your time as a manager, you lost more employees than anyone else in the past. You also ask and schedule me for morning shifts on Sunday DESPITE telling you that I can’t work mornings in the interview AND you were okay with that. Later, for weeks straight- no, months straight, if I can work mornings, basically pestering me before finally stopping. Now we have more employees and you STILL have me working mornings WHILE I have classes, which requires me using my off days to work on and finish projects. Good day!
Sincerely,
– ███████
TO: ███████
FROM: ███████
SUBJECT: Quitting Time
Dear ███████,
I hate working for you. I quit. Also, I’ve been boinking your wife for six months.
Sincerely,
– Your Replacement
TO: ███████
FROM: ███████
SUBJECT: Worst Wishes
Dear ███████,
Your name is stupid, and I hate you. If you were a band, you would be Imagine Dragons, and if you were a font, you would be 11 pt. Ariel. You dress like one of the Animaniacs. I hope you leave your coffee to cool just slightly too long so that it isn’t quite hot enough to be satisfying. Every time you repeat a joke, it becomes ten times less funny. You are more bland than white rice. I’m not mad, just disappointed.
I hate you,
– ███████
TO: ███████
FROM: ███████
SUBJECT: Regarding Safety Gear
Dear ███████,
It has come to my knowledge that you complained about my lack of safety gear when troubleshooting technical repairs. May I remind you that our codebook states that safety gear isn’t needed for the department building where I work. However, it is needed for the warehouse where you work. So please refrain from blatant lies before management finds our you’re the one not following rules. Maybe if you worked as hard as I did, you could work in my department. However, with your terrible work ethic, I doubt it.
– ███████
TO: ███████
FROM: ███████
SUBJECT: Stop Acting Like Your Shoe Size
To ███████,
I cannot fathom how someone so old can act like such a child. You need to grow up and get over yourself. This is an ice cream shop, not a five-star restaurant. Besides, you’re going bankrupt because no one comes in here. Please just go to a home already.
From,
– ███████
__________
Vallie Lynn Watson‘s English 272 class was asked to complete the following creative writing prompt: If you could send an email to a boss, manager, or coworker without any consequences? These “emails” are the results. All names have been redacted for the sake of anonymity of both the writers and “recipients.”
__________
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Posted in Workplace Wounds and Woes and tagged in #boudin, #fiction, #flashfiction, #hybrid, #microfiction