Report: Skinny Monkeys Live Longer
Steve Almond
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All those sweet bubbes boiling knaidlach, those nonnas palming gnocchi and
plump babushkas ladling borscht, bonneting the afternoons in schmaltz and
steam—all of them are murderers.
Out in California, they believe you can live forever on the right diet:
grapefruit, sunflower seeds, Sweet ‘N Low. Even the monkeys look svelte out in
California and they live longer, too, swinging from tree to tree until they expire
and thump. Only the good die young, you’ve heard the song; the rest of us they
keep around to fatten up like rabbits, honing the knives, urging extra helpings and
admiring our neck flab.
Years ago, I traveled weekly to visit my grandma. I let her plug me full of
chicken and peppers and lemon squares. She fed me this dope like a nurse tending
a lunatic. It was my given role to gasp praise and stagger to the guest room for a
nap. I woke, once, on the cot just past the bookshelf. My grandma was looming
over me, a meat tenderizer clenched in her fist. I believe for a fact that she, this
woman, my grandmother, would have sliced me dead had I not woken at that exact
moment and looked upon her with renewed hunger.
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Steve Almond [www.stevealmondjoy.org] is the author of a dozen books, including the New York Times Bestsellers Candyfreak and Against Football. He’s the recipient of an NEA grant for 2022 and teaches at Harvard and Wesleyan. His work has been published in the Best American Short Stories, the Best American Mysteries, Best American Erotica, and the New York Times Magazine. His first novel, Which Brings Me to You, was just made into a major motion picture starring Lucy Hale. His second novel, All the Secrets of the World, is under development by 20th Century Fox. His new book, Truth Is the Arrow, Mercy Is the Bow , is about craft, the struggle to write, and where stories come from.
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